An open letter to Paris

Hi there...

I just spend a few days with you, and I have to get some things off my chest. I say this with nothing but the best intentions. Here goes...

You're lovely, but can you clean up some more? You're like a hot guy that smells bad. A quick shower would do you wonders. And the litter is like that funky stubble that grows outside of the regular boundaries of your beard. Clean that up and we're good.

Also, your Metro. In a word... it sucks. Crazy timetables, beat up trains, cramped spaces, vandalism, the stupid little tickets (aka litter) and of course, the stench. Oy. You'll hate me for this, but talk to the Germans. They'll redo your underground and it would be just as sexy as theirs. Call it reparations, call it sharing best practices, call it whatever you want, just call them immediately.

Also, the militia with rifles in the train stations? A bit creepy. An explanation would be nice. Its not exactly a warm greeting.

However, your people were quite nice for the most part. A few rude bitches won't ruin that for you. The men are polite (though short and not as consistently good looking like the Germans), but they're understanding. I'm sorry that I didn't get to know your men better (hahahaha *wink*). Except for that creepy black guy shouting at me through the plastic as we sat in the cafe last night. You can eliminate him-thanks!

Your Louvre is lovely, but way too busy. And the closing hours are extreme- 1730 on a Saturday...really? Also, way too many stairs. Fat girl was hurting after walking up at least 15 flights worth in the space of 2 hours. Ever heard of an escalator? They're this hip new thing-look into it.

Your food is fan-frigging-tastic. The bread, the cheese, the chocolate milk, the delicious crepes made by random street vendors....oh my god, they were good! And the "frites"....wow. Just wow. They were consistently awesome. But tell your chefs that "medium well" means just a little pink, not dark red and chewy. I think they're confused about that.

All the traffic and construction? Not ok. Plan ahead. Not every street should be blocked off at the same time so that cars bottleneck and start being a big risk to those of us on foot. And having street signs in big letters in easily visible places wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

Your young punks/chavs/mecs/whatever they're called? Yeah, them...they can kiss my big white ass. People like them make me sick. Defacing an already hideous subway train I can understand, even though I still disappove. Vandalizing the catacombs though? That makes me want to stick lit matches on their eyeballs. Seriously. How the hell can they think that's ok? The catacombs had to be closed down because of them! Not only are the bones of your collective relatives there, but it's a historic site that has lasted for centuries. That they feel it's ok to do that makes me feel sick inside. I was really excited about visiting the catacombs, now all I have is a brochure about them in French that I had to flirt with a gross old tour guide to get. *sigh*

Your biting wind? Also not a fan. The blue skies and sun are deceptive, cause that wind feels like it's straight from the Arctic.

Overall, Paris, I liked you but I didn't love you. We'll talk again, and maybe hang out some more, but only on a casual basis. I think it's best if we see other people and cities. If you can address those issues though, we might have a great relationship. Just sayin'.

Love and Kisses,
Vesta