Hmm...

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

-Mad World by Gary Jules

I'm feeling more than a little introspective right now, I suppose. The song quoted above seems very fitting, and very appropriate to how I've been feeling lately. I'll explain...

Vegas feels stifling. It's nothing new. Even when Jen was here and I was showing her around, I could find no interest in the place. Before, when I would show someone new the town, it had emphasis. I was excited about it because they were excited about it. I was able to put myself in their shoes and see all the craziness that is Vegas through a new set of eyes. Now...not so much. It's drab, it's ordinary, it's, quite frankly, become incredibly claustrophobic for me. I feel like there's nothing for me here, nothing new, nothing to hold my interest.

Which sounds incredibly rude considering I have family and friends here. But it's not. I want them to get out and do other stuff, I want them to experience more, I want them to never feel like I do here. My mom, my friends, even Whiskey; I want better for them and it makes me sad to have them be here. Which is very selfish. That I agree with. My idea of a great place to live isn't, and doesn't have to be, someone else's. Regardless, it's still my (bitter) wish.

So that's the first 6 lines explained.

The last 2 is purely me. It's no shock to anyone to know that I'm not happy here. I'm sure that I've made that very evident. I'm beginning to feel like I'm stuck, and that scares the hell out of me. I've applied for a ton of jobs over in Germany, and of the few answers I've gotten, I'm getting very discouraged. I don't have a work visa, so I can't work there. But I can't live in Germany unless I have a work visa. A work visa that some job has to approve me for. It's a fucking catch-22. The trick is finding a job that will give me a work visa. Fine. Then the other job, which I was perfectly qualified for, on a beautiful street in Munich, wanted to do an in-person interview. Which is impossible seeing as I'm 6000 miles away. That's a huge roadblock. So now I don't know what to do.

No tomorrow, no tomorrow.....

It is kind of funny/ironic/sad that when it comes to setting my mind to completing something totally unnecessary, I excel. I make it happen. When it's something big and important, I fail. Big time. Positive thinking is worth fuck all in this situation.

So I keep trying. I apply for more jobs. I practice more German. I hope to not continue to fail miserably.

It's the best I can do.

It just scares the hell out of me that it might not be enough.